The push of a boot on my neck, “We have to take him?”
My friends and I came to the PLHS field like we always would to kick the ball around. I loved those days, hours on end, free-kicks, cross-bar challenges, juggling games, everything we could think of that involved the soccer ball. This particular day in the year 2014, upperclassmen were playing a game of pickup, and one of our friends asked if we could join. I was nervous, a puberty-deprived little boy who was going to join what looked like grown-ups in a game of soccer. But inside I was excited, there was still some confidence burning from those free-kicks I shot earlier. We lined up and each team chose a player from our young squad until I was the last to stand. I was automatically assigned to the group that were up to choose. A boy who at one point was my teammate and shall not be named said, “Aw c’mon we have to take him?” he looked down shaking his head as he ran to grab the ball. I wish I could go back to that day and whisper in my younger ear and tell me, “you’re going to be okay, one day you’ll show them”. But it was years until I learned to use those types of situations as fuel. It made me play with hesitations, it made me think that I was always second string, and my confidence turned to warm coals for many years.
Those confidence issues have never left my game, but I have learned to reignite the coals and turn them to fire. It were those years that keeps me going until today. I love it now, I love when people doubt me, it makes me work harder. It makes me wake up early, it makes me aggressive, it makes me feel like a warrior. A warrior that has the enemies foot on my neck, forcing me to struggle for air, gasping but smiling. I know they can’t kill me, only if I quit, only if I choose to let them win.
I’ve been put into situations like these many times in the years here in Czech Republic. I had a coach bench me without explanation, and when I came to him to ask for the reason for my benching he turned to me in disgust bewildered by my question. His disgust turned to cold-shoulders, and when the season ended I went on trial for a team with better pay, better coaching, better players and I was accepted with open arms. I know my worth.
I am in a similar situation right now, I won’t go into any details as the season is ongoing but what I will say is that I have been looked over in the last two weeks. No explanation, and I don’t know if this is my own masochistic tendencies but I am fucking excited. I am out for blood, I am up before my teammates, I am on the field when they are enjoying days off. I will not let the enemies boot block my airway, I gasp, I smile and force myself above this.
The happiness I feel when I come out on top will undoubtedly be worth all of these psychological daggers that keep coming my way. The key to all this; I rely on my determination, grit, hard work, and a never-say-never attitude to play as the protagonists in my fight against the darkness of doubt and non-belief.
